I will write here whenever I feel a sense of melancholy imploding me.
Lyrics: Above & Beyond - Home
Here I come to find myself
catch the tide
looking for a peace at the end of the line.
Sometimes I can't help myself
fever's high,
I'm all at a sea and so unwise.
I'm so afraid I'll lose your love
as time goes by,
but courage is a fire and a beacon so bright.
The sunset built a memory,
our love sign,
and all at sea we come alive.
Will I wash away, turning like a stone?
I need a place where I belong.
Call a setting sun, to throw me down a rope
and take me to a place called home.
I close my eyes, I know you're there,
love of mine,
standing on a shore in a world I design.
The sunset fires a lonely flare
into the sky,
and all at sea we say goodbye.
Will I wash away, turning like a stone?
I need a place where I belong.
Call a setting sun, to throw me down a rope
and take me to a place called home.
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I don't know if somebody can conceive the meaning of the above lyrics, or dive into the world there described, if one has not yet experienced the "feeling" of melancholy, or better: the mood. The sea is a point where you sail "home", and home is, in this sense, the death. As I deal with death every day, every second in my life, I can trace the scene and comprehend it. I know what melancholy is.
There are certain things in the story which are essential to the secret inside of me, and invigorate the creeping force of the death desire:
There is, at first, the sea with a sunset. The sunset heralds an ending of something, the fulfillment of the ultimate desire. It can be seen as the final "orgasm", but only in the mind, not physically. It might sound completely abstract and random, but that is just how I think. Then, there is the "love" , afraid to be lost. The love is the unfulfilled desire, the object.
These lyrics have great meaning to me, because I can identify with them. It is somehow a help for me, because I feel confirmed that I am not the only one on this planet having this mood.
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Melancholy destroys EV'RYTHING.
It is a servant of The Death.
It blinds us from our vulnerability, and makes us cupid - devoid of
insight, devoid of feelings - and gives us the illusion
to be unbreakable.
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April 10, 2007:
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin?
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when

But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
No question, I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home

My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end

You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And hope will alter your prayers
Somehow you find you are there

Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongues
A season's wish will come true
All seasons begin with you

One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when

But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No question, I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
These are the lyrics of Jon Anderson & Vangelis - I'll Find My Way Home.
I am just feeling a swell of melancholy streaminf through me. It's been a while, but now I am back at this miserable point...
I bathed in self-pity and immersed into my own world of loveliness, of narcissism, when I was having a spiritual climax everytime I heard that song. I have - thanks to time - grown out of it. I still don't know what they exactly mean, but I associated it with eternal "love", which was then felt as love, but now I see that this was dying in front of myself, within myself.
This is the whole story about it.
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How can you leave me? I can't realize it's over. I'll suffer in hell - forever.
The Other Side: I can remember....exactly. Paradise. I ate the fruit...and I was thrown out of it.
Man, what a SHIT! It feels so good to suffer. It feels just too good. What do I think of? Why do I want to give it up? To die, frankly speaking?
There is a world with a million rainbows and neverending joy. King Zys II. was there for decades. He was wise, but didn't know the tremendous evil he would have to face...black as the darkest oil, and with no heart - void at its point. And the fight started three million years ago...and the paradise was destroyed. They still keep fighting, but it seems very black. Creatures burst in the sky, who were just injected with the darkest ray of ferocious ammunitions. And Zys recognized that this was once a part of him...his love. How could his love have become this heartbreaking mercilessness? But it can't be over. For there is still a light shining, the light will never go away. And the darkness will be tortured by that until the end of all existence...
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Void.

Same Darkness.

Something keeps me awake. I just don't want to go to sleep right now, I want to keep myself up. Why? Running. Craving for something, clasping this melancholy feeling, holding it in my heart, pouring it out in letters and melody. What can I do? Do to escape? Do to resist? Do to conceive, conceive new thoughts? Grasp a new meaning?
What can I do? Disorderly I lurk through the spaces of my city, silent and weak of actions. Like a stone in my head, a rotating world, fast motion, bleeding nose, white powder, mournful bottles, depression, white powder, clear water, water with keen smell, blurred streets, a pair of lights approaching, white beds, white clothes...

Crimson.
Pumping heart, red liquid, pulse speeding, Lucy, Stars, Diamonds, visible melodies, audible pictures, tangible phantasies,
crimson,
I don't know where I am...
I know this place. I have been here before. It's all white.
I don't know the people. I don't know me. Do I really exist?

Black

Void
End

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 R.I.P.ped
 
If fear tells you, what to do
and melancholy seems to be the only way out,
then you live in a world of horror,
where shame is immanent
and you perpetually wither
from other's voices,
just because you think
they want to destroy you.
And your mind keeps trying
to find reasons for the unreasonable,
find explanations for the illogical,
find ways to escape the rude,
devastating reality that you
are just afraid of others,
nothwithstanding you are one of them.
And all that occured
because of one single act of
disappointment -
deep, painful
disappointment
Your soul has fermented
into something black,
seeing purposely only the
evil in humankind,
seeking for the failures of others.
And becoming a misanthropist,
you revolve around the same
over and over again,
falling deeper and deeper,
descending the stairs of the luminous,
looming light out of the dark,
and yet perceiving to elevate.
And there,
deep at the bottom of
the cavities of your
own reality,
you lie, forlorn,
and you
cry,
and cry,
and cry...