Account of Myself in November 2008
I feel inferior because I am inferior. I don't know exactly why, but my soul's filled with distress the whole day. Communicatiing to others, that's a thing I hardly manage to do. Even more complicated is the thing with my sexual desire. My "lust machine" doesn't work allright. Something interferes with it so I always get lost on the way to satisfaction. Everything outside turns into myself - me being helpless, me succumbing to an overwhelming force I cannot defend myself against. The unbearable pressure from the outside is about to crush me again and again when I did not achieve the virtue of abstinence. It's like the forces of my ego are not directed into one direction anymore, but take many different directions as to cancel themselves out. They disperse completely in my body, not directing me anymore through my life. It always takes days for me to recover from that state.
I live in so much agony and anguish. My body aches, I crave for too much food and self-satisfaction, and indulgence is dangerous. Everything in this direction thus appears to me as being weak and despicable. Oh woe my life! If I could restart everything or just see some alternatives to the way of life I am living now. But...it's all so determined.
Everthing just hurts. Everything.